The Animal In Me

I have a friend, whom I love very dearly. There was a time not long ago, when I would have claimed that there was more to it than that, but no longer. At any rate, this friend of mine is, much to my surprise, with child. There are two ways to look at this. We could say, given her age, that she has ruined her life. She is going to be a mother just out of high school, and she will never be able to chase her dreams, she will never again be able to look life in the face and say "You cannot hurt me, I am invincible." Now she will have a child, and she must be its shield, and its teacher. On the other hand, we could say that she has opened up another very beautiful realm of possibilities. She has a life to mold, to shape. She has a chance to make a positive impact in a human being, to make a little part of her soul immortal.

Where do I fit in to all of this? Well, I don’t, not really. I am not the father, I am not her lover, or her boyfriend, nor do I hold the potential to be any of these things. I am her friend, however, and I am there for her. If she needs support, than I will be the rock she leans on, the immovable object against which she can vent her aggressions. I will be brave for her. She can be free to cry, I will be strong for her. I will hold my tears inside, I will be what she cannot, so that she can be what she must.

But how does this relate to our souls, or the animal within us all? It relates in a very real sense, let me assure you. You see, the father of her child left her. He refuses to stand up and be a man, he refuses to accept his responsibilities, he ran away like a frightened child. I can understand this, because he is little more than a child, and his life has been fraught with misfortune. I cannot excuse it, however. When I think of how he has behaved, of the things he said, of how he left my friend, I am overcome. I am a different man. Violence courses through my veins, and the dark blood of anger pierces my heart. My soul cries out in anguish and frustration. What can I do to avenge these actions? Nothing. And that is exactly what I will do. Nothing.

But still, it is there. The chill in my spine, the crimson vision of hate when I see his face. It is the animal in me, wanting to get out, clawing at the underside of my skin for the freedom to rip his flesh and spill his blood. But I am a man, and capable of self-control, so I will do none of these things. I will keep my peace. In my mind, though, I know the depths to which I am capable of traveling.

The animalistic side isn’t all bad, though. I am thankful for that. It is my urge to protect my friend which brings it out, and that is a noble urge, if not somewhat misguided, or perhaps excessive. You see, when I look at her, when I stare into her face, I see the innocence in her eyes, I see how fragile, and how gentle she is. There are other things beyond those eyes, of course there are, but it is her fragility, her angelic qualities which shine through. Even with her stomach swelling, and her morning sickness, and tired eyes she is beautiful. She is radiant, the world become luminescent when she smiles, and those are things which must be protected, even though it is not my place to do so.

I don’t like what I see, when I look into the mirror. I know how far I am willing to go, I know the depths to which I can sink, and I know what lies beyond my eyes. It terrifies me. I lay awake at night thinking of all the ways that I know to hurt people, and all the reasons why I would do so, and the reasons are not enough, they are not nearly enough, but somehow, for me, they are. I am willing to sacrifice my humanity for my friend, and for her child. Why? Because I love her, and because her child deserves better than to be caught up in some petty struggle between its parents. It deserves the mother that I know she can be. And I want her to be that mother. I want her to give that child what it’s father could not. I don’t want to pretend to be the child’s father, or uncle, or some kind of surrogate. I am not right for that role, and I do not want it thrust upon me. I want to be a friend to its mother. I want to help her teach.

I want to help her keep loving the world, and I will sacrifice all that I am to do it.

That is the animal in me.